mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
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