I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
Randomize
