it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
Randomize
