I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
So my game is weak??
If your game is "Lets have sex, and maybe pizza" then yes.
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
Randomize
