I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
Randomize
