i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
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