You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
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