Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
Randomize
