I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
Randomize
