3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
So many stories. To uyou are sober. I heart you though. Jesus. Dirrty dancing jusyt came oine!!no. Lie.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
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