I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
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