we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize
