I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
