You just made me feel so damn special
The worlds most fuckable chipmunk
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
Randomize
