Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
at the end of the day, college isnt gonna be for everyone... and some of us are just going to have to learn how to breathe underwater while sucking cock.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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