i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
Randomize
