it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
