he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
Randomize
