Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
her teeth looked like a whores toenails, i was too horrified to
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
Randomize
