1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
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