Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
Randomize
