do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
Soooo, hypothetically, how long would roommates have to sleep together before its considered dating...
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
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