My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
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