Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Randomize
