you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
Randomize
