I can't breathe out the right side of my face
THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Randomize
