Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
Randomize
