When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
his butt looks cute in my panties so i decided he has to wear panties all the time from now on.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
Randomize
