Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
My dad just informed me that I may be entitled to $1700 worth of stimulus money... looks like that hitachi is coming sooner than later. Let's hope for the best!
Randomize
