Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
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