my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
