at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
Randomize
