apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
