dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Randomize
