I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
Randomize
