so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
Randomize
