I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Randomize
