yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
Wow, So this kid just walked into class, yak'd on his lab partner then runs out. Class is now cancelled. I gotta find this kid and Thank him.
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
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