I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
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