I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
Edward fifth and chaser hands
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
Randomize
