So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
Randomize
