i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Randomize
