you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize
