I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Randomize
