Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I wish they had a smiley of two girls making out
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize
