Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
