Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
Randomize
