I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
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