just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
Learned a lot. Like boys with frosted tips still exist. And that they're sensitive to constructive criticism.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
