Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
Randomize
