I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
Hhahaha he is. Omg the new polish friend just took his pants off in front of me. There is something wrong with this nationality.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
You get 5 min
Your time limits don't scare me, I'll include foreplay and redressing in that 5 min. If you wanted to challenge me you should say you got an hour, id be scared then and more creative.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
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