a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
Randomize
