Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
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