Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
Randomize
